I don’t do a lot of personal posts any more. I don’t know why per-say, but I don’t. It’s weird because when you look at my earlier posts, they’re almost all personal. Now, they’re hardly ever personal. But I have a lot on my mind, so I’m doing one now.
It’s funny how much changes in a year and how much doesn’t. I was going over my postings from around this time last year. Much of my life personally is different. I’m not working right now. Im almost out of school, I’m working on what to do with my life, and I can’t make up my mind about how I feel about a lot.
No matter how hard I try, some things that I still felt a year ago I still feel even though I know that I shouldn’t. It’s not good for me. But I can’t help it. I wish there was something I cold do about it, but I can’t. Some old feelings just don’t go away. It sucks, and I wish there was something I could do about it. I find myself wondering “what if” a lot about decisions I made last year and how my life might be different because of it. I don’t have a lot of regrets about anything that I did. But I do question some of the decisions I made because looking back. In retrospect I wonder if I would be happier now. I wonder if I had taken more chances in some aspects in some instances or less chances in others that my life would be better.
I am fortunate to have so many people that I care about and that care about me. In many ways, I’m glad that things are the way they are. But in other ways it tares me up inside to think about it. To think about how some things could be different really makes me think. While a lot of people have gotten hurt in the path of events that have evolved over the past year and a half or so, I question weather or not I have been my biggest casualty. I have set myself up for disappointment too many times. I have been the bad guy too many times. I have put other people at risk for my own selfish good too many times. Looking back, I don’t really know what to say about it all.
For those, interested, this is the post that really got me thinking about everything again. I look at my hits and see where people are coming from, and one of them pointed at this post. So I read over it again. Reading up on related posts such as this one didn’t make me feel any better either.
Least year my entire summer was about concerts, parties, and girls. This summer is shaping up to be about making difficult decisions, getting my life together, and seriously finding myself.
Thus far, not a lot of luck. On top of getting my own shit straight I still have to deal with all thee feelings that continue to stare me in the face, and still, I can’t do shit about it. Then I have people who feel a way about me that I don’t feel the same about. Life never, ever gets any easier.
*sigh*
